"John Carter" - Pixar animator Andrew Stanton tried his hand with live-action in this $250 million Disney fiasco, an adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs' "John Carter of Mars" - or Barsoom, as the pulp scribe was wont to call the Red Planet. Lynn Collins is Princess Dejah, who hails from Helium, and some of the warring creatures she and Civil War-era Earthling Taylor Kitsch contend with are Tharks, Therns and Zodangans. Never mind the giant green-skinned, multi-limbed creatures - look out for those Barsoomian subtitles!
“Lola Versus" The charming and goofy Greta Gerwig ("Damsels in Distress," "To Rome With Love") gets the title role in a hopelessly cliched post-breakup/ single-in-New-York character study. Wait for the gorgeous, black-and-white post-breakup/single-girl-in-New York character study Frances Ha, coming in 2013 from Gerwig's real-life companion, her "Greenberg" writer/director Noah Baumbach. And then let's hope Gerwig can move on.
"The Odd Life of Timothy Green" A fertility-clinic fantasy, with Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton as the parents who want so, so much to have a child but can't - and then one pops out of the vegetable garden, a boy with leafy shins. Impossible treacle.
"Playing for Keeps" A pack of soccer moms - Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Judy Greer among them - throw themselves at former soccer pro Gerard Butler, who only wants to throw himself back into the life of his ex, Jessica Biel. A rom-com full of contrived rom and fake com.
“Red Dawn" In John Milius' teen militia fantasy, released in 1984, the Soviet Union drops platoons of paratroopers down on the sleepy Midwest, but luckily Charlie Sheen and Patrick Swayze are there to save the day. In this ill-advised redo, North Korea is the enemy, and Chris Hemsworth leads a couple of Joshes (Josh Hutcherson, Josh Peck) in a battle to save Washington State. Somehow, it's not the same.
"Seeking a Friend for the End of the World" Don't know what's worse, Keira Knightley's pseudo-hipster cool (and that vintage vinyl she lugs around), or filmmaker Lorene Scafaria's phony Delaware and New Jersey locations. Giving the apocalypse a bad name.
"That's My Boy" Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg as estranged father and son - what could be funnier? Waiting in line to pay your cable bill? A warm and fuzzy embrace of all-American values - incest, statutory rape, strip clubs, obesity and homophobia.
"Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie" Even if you were stoned, this cheap and surreal shopping-mall farce wouldn't be funny. In fact, if you were stoned this could be dangerous _ you actually might go ahead and really stick forks in your eyes. Temple alums Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim should have stayed on "Adult Swim."
"The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" All this from J.R.R.'s little book? Two hours and 49 minutes of dwarfs and elves, orcs and wizards, goblins and trolls chasing each other across flimsy rope bridges - with two more installments to come? The beginning, and end, of 48 frames-per-second technology. Watch the Air New Zealand in-flight safety video instead - it's a lot shorter, and smarter.
— By Steven Rea, The Philadelphia Inquirer