It seems like my Facebook friends were doing the same thing I was doing — living a rather ordinary, uninteresting and mundane life.
Apparently, my ordinary, uninteresting, mundane Facebook friends thought that their trips to the mall, supermarket and drugstore were very fascinating. So fascinating, in fact, that they thought their Facebook friends would find them fascinating as well.
When I would click on my Facebook page, I would stare at my computer screen for several minutes looking at my Facebook friends. Some I could vaguely remember their name, but not their face. Others I could remember their face, but not their name.
"I couldn't have gone to high school with these people," I thought, "because they're all so much older than me." Or maybe I'm in denial.
My Facebook friends would post things like recipes, crochet patterns and flower arrangements. They would invite me to play computer games, and offer me things like a pig for my Farmville farm. I never accepted a pig because I didn't have a farm and it would wander aimlessly in my computer, and I'd have to accept an invite to Candy Crush so the poor animal would have something to eat.
In addition, I'd receive Facebook friend invites every day. I already had 17 ordinary, uninteresting, mundane friends and I didn't think I needed anymore. Needless to say, I stopped logging into my Facebook account, then I forgot my password; and the last I knew, my Facebook page had been terminated.
I wonder what happens to a Facebook page when it dies? I think its soul is sent to a warm place and forced to watch Farmville grass grow.
My wife, Amy, is an avid Facebooker. She posts our life on Facebook as it is happening, and sometimes sooner.
Sometimes she complains about the things that other people post on their Facebook page, so when I told her I wanted to write an article about things people shouldn't post, she immediately posted my idea on Facebook to see what her friends thought. Within seconds, I had enough material for an article.
So, remember when you read this, that I don't even have a Facebook page and these opinions are from ordinary, uninteresting, mundane people like yourself.
The No. 6 thing not to post on Facebook: injuries or infirmities. Nobody wants to see your swollen ankles, skinned knees or scratched elbows. If you face-plant off a skateboard or plow into a tree while skiing, nobody wants to see your black and blue face. Also, nobody wants to see the world's largest zit, shingles, spider bites, sunburns or poison ivy rashes.
No. 5: public displays of affection. If you and your significant other are so in love, please don't post it on Facebook. If your post has the words snookums, honey bun or snuggle bear, please think twice before you share it. I'm told there are several married couple who do this, and they actually live together. Tell them directly and spare the Facebook community from gagging on a mega-pixel. Please, just get yourself a chat room. And keep this in mind: If you're posting PDAs all the time, people think you're having problems.
No. 4: 100,000 pictures every day. Please try to limit your kids' pictures to under a hundred per day. Nobody except their grandmas want to see every moment of your child's life. Nobody on Facebook wants to see your sleeping infant, or see your child's face smeared with sweet potatoes. An absolute no-no is posting your kids in the bathtub or on the toilet. It's OK to show your kids shoveling snow, doing homework or cleaning their rooms because, apparently, kids don't do those things very often anymore.
No. 3: food. It has come to my attention that, surprisingly, nobody wants to see your Super Bowl spread, or you child's birthday cake, or your rum raisin pudding sprinkled with cinnamon. There is a certain gym teacher, who will remain anonymous, who travels to the Florida Keys. He doesn't post his family enjoying the sunshine and palm trees, he posts his supper. Certainly his food is interesting, like nothing we see in Michigan with fresh seaweed and local shellfish — but really, give us palm trees and sunshine.
No. 2: vacations. I actually disagree with this one, but it was a huge suggestion by Amy's Facebook peers. I like to see people in tropical, exotic places, or just having fun fishing and camping. I don't like to go places myself, so I like to see other people traveling so I don't have to. For most Facebook people, vacation pictures is the only time that it's OK to show your infirmities. So, when you're on vacation, it's OK to show off the world's largest zit, shingles, spider bites, sunburns and poison ivy rashes. If you're on vacation, Facebook people want to see you suffering.
No. 1: workout routines. The overwhelming No. 1 thing people hate to see on Facebook is a person's workout regimen. Ordinary, uninteresting, mundane people do not want to see other ordinary, uninteresting, mundane people getting into shape. It seems that no one wants to know that you're hitting the gym, lifting weights, jogging, rowing, spinning or rock climbing. However, it is OK to show your injuries if you have to show your workout routine. Now people want to see your swollen ankles, skinned knees, scratched elbows, and black and blue faces. In fact, you can add deep gashes, broken bones and pictures in the emergency room if you'd like. I guess if you post your workout, Facebookers want to know that you're suffering.
There you have it, direct from the Facebook community at large, what not to post on Facebook. Of course, there are more things that didn't make the list — like political views, selfies, drunk people and posts to generate compliments.
Just remember, don't kill the messenger, and I am just the messenger. My advice is that when you sit down to post something on Facebook, just pop yourself a Dos Equis and stay ordinary, my friends.
If you have any negative comments about this article, please post them on Facebook. I won't see them anyway.
— By Grant Berry, Tribune community columnist