BERRY: The top 6 things to never post on Facebook

Once upon a time, I had a Facebook account. Every couple of days or so, I would click on to my Facebook account to see how my Facebook friends were doing.
Feb 6, 2014

It seems like my Facebook friends were doing the same thing I was doing — living a rather ordinary, uninteresting and mundane life. 

Apparently, my ordinary, uninteresting, mundane Facebook friends thought that their trips to the mall, supermarket and drugstore were very fascinating. So fascinating, in fact, that they thought their Facebook friends would find them fascinating as well.

When I would click on my Facebook page, I would stare at my computer screen for several minutes looking at my Facebook friends. Some I could vaguely remember their name, but not their face. Others I could remember their face, but not their name. 

"I couldn't have gone to high school with these people," I thought, "because they're all so much older than me." Or maybe I'm in denial.

My Facebook friends would post things like recipes, crochet patterns and flower arrangements. They would invite me to play computer games, and offer me things like a pig for my Farmville farm. I never accepted a pig because I didn't have a farm and it would wander aimlessly in my computer, and I'd have to accept an invite to Candy Crush so the poor animal would have something to eat.

In addition, I'd receive Facebook friend invites every day. I already had 17 ordinary, uninteresting, mundane friends and I didn't think I needed anymore. Needless to say, I stopped logging into my Facebook account, then I forgot my password; and the last I knew, my Facebook page had been terminated.

I wonder what happens to a Facebook page when it dies? I think its soul is sent to a warm place and forced to watch Farmville grass grow.

My wife, Amy, is an avid Facebooker. She posts our life on Facebook as it is happening, and sometimes sooner.

Sometimes she complains about the things that other people post on their Facebook page, so when I told her I wanted to write an article about things people shouldn't post, she immediately posted my idea on Facebook to see what her friends thought. Within seconds, I had enough material for an article. 

So, remember when you read this, that I don't even have a Facebook page and these opinions are from ordinary, uninteresting, mundane people like yourself.

The No. 6 thing not to post on Facebook: injuries or infirmities. Nobody wants to see your swollen ankles, skinned knees or scratched elbows. If you face-plant off a skateboard or plow into a tree while skiing, nobody wants to see your black and blue face. Also, nobody wants to see the world's largest zit, shingles, spider bites, sunburns or poison ivy rashes.

No. 5: public displays of affection. If you and your significant other are so in love, please don't post it on Facebook. If your post has the words snookums, honey bun or snuggle bear, please think twice before you share it. I'm told there are several married couple who do this, and they actually live together. Tell them directly and spare the Facebook community from gagging on a mega-pixel. Please, just get yourself a chat room. And keep this in mind: If you're posting PDAs all the time, people think you're having problems.

No. 4: 100,000 pictures every day. Please try to limit your kids' pictures to under a hundred per day. Nobody except their grandmas want to see every moment of your child's life. Nobody on Facebook wants to see your sleeping infant, or see your child's face smeared with sweet potatoes. An absolute no-no is posting your kids in the bathtub or on the toilet. It's OK to show your kids shoveling snow, doing homework or cleaning their rooms because, apparently, kids don't do those things very often anymore.

No. 3: food. It has come to my attention that, surprisingly, nobody wants to see your Super Bowl spread, or you child's birthday cake, or your rum raisin pudding sprinkled with cinnamon. There is a certain gym teacher, who will remain anonymous, who travels to the Florida Keys. He doesn't post his family enjoying the sunshine and palm trees, he posts his supper. Certainly his food is interesting, like nothing we see in Michigan with fresh seaweed and local shellfish — but really, give us palm trees and sunshine.

No. 2: vacations. I actually disagree with this one, but it was a huge suggestion by Amy's Facebook peers. I like to see people in tropical, exotic places, or just having fun fishing and camping. I don't like to go places myself, so I like to see other people traveling so I don't have to. For most Facebook people, vacation pictures is the only time that it's OK to show your infirmities. So, when you're on vacation, it's OK to show off the world's largest zit, shingles, spider bites, sunburns and poison ivy rashes. If you're on vacation, Facebook people want to see you suffering.

No. 1: workout routines. The overwhelming No. 1 thing people hate to see on Facebook is a person's workout regimen. Ordinary, uninteresting, mundane people do not want to see other ordinary, uninteresting, mundane people getting into shape. It seems that no one wants to know that you're hitting the gym, lifting weights, jogging, rowing, spinning or rock climbing. However, it is OK to show your injuries if you have to show your workout routine. Now people want to see your swollen ankles, skinned knees, scratched elbows, and black and blue faces. In fact, you can add deep gashes, broken bones and pictures in the emergency room if you'd like. I guess if you post your workout, Facebookers want to know that you're suffering.

There you have it, direct from the Facebook community at large, what not to post on Facebook. Of course, there are more things that didn't make the list — like political views, selfies, drunk people and posts to generate compliments. 

Just remember, don't kill the messenger, and I am just the messenger. My advice is that when you sit down to post something on Facebook, just pop yourself a Dos Equis and stay ordinary, my friends.

If you have any negative comments about this article, please post them on Facebook. I won't see them anyway.

— By Grant Berry, Tribune community columnist

Comments

LakerVille

Just like I am sorry when I click on a dumb link on someone's facebook, I am sorry I clicked on this article. Waste of internet space.

Writingbooster

Gosh, did you get up on the wrong side of the bed or something? Such a snarky thing to say.

bigdeal

LakerVille went back to Facebook to share their new 'movie'. I swear that person is fixitman's kid!

#2. Fine, go ahead and post your vacation pics, AFTER you get home. Why show & tell to the world that you are away from your house for an extended period? They'll 'like' them just as much once you are home.

LessThanAmused

...and your house is less likely to get broken into while you're gone, if you wait till you're back home again to share.

bigdeal

You're learning! I like that about you!

LessThanAmused

Yup, this old dog learns a new trick most every day.

I've got a facebook page, I use it to talk with my daughter who's in South Korea and to stay in touch with some of my musical heroes. Other than that, not much, not much at all.

bigdeal

Also, do not click on a bitly link in a pm on Facebook, it's a virus if you click on it. Just notify that person to get their virus taken care of.

LessThanAmused

I don't click on nothing if I'm not sure what it is....

Some guy told me about Adblocker + too so that helps me stay outa trouble also....

bigdeal

Yep, it saves me $$ not seeing those t-shirt ads!

LessThanAmused

LOL....I've got the Bad Ideas Facebook page bookmarked for future use. :-)

jlebrasseur

NoScript is a great firefox addon as well. It may annoy you a bit though when you see how many scripts web pages try to run.

As for facebook, I got rid of my account a while back. I do have a new one, but dont really use it; in fact, I dont even have any friends added on my current one. No photos (except a QR code to my LinkedIn profile; http://www.linkedin.com/in/jason... if anyone wants to connect), and no posts. I simply use it to see what people are saying on the musical fountain page, and follow a couple groups.

I don't miss it one bit, and find life to be better without it.

LessThanAmused

All things in moderation Jason, Facebook has it's place just as long as it doesn't end up being a time suck. I got a happy birthday greeting from one of my biggest musical heroes on Facebook last month....thought that was pretty cool. We've been talking via Emails and then Facebook for the last 10 years, so it was nice of him to do that. Made my day really.....only birthday greeting I got as a matter of fact and I've got 3 kids AND a wife. :-/

No script sounds like something to look into also, I get messages almost daily from Firefox about "a long running script has caused us to close you down....." Thanks for the tip.

LessThanAmused

Welcome to the wonderful, engaging, always interesting world of online comment forums that are loosely moderated. Grow some skin, learn to duck and always, ALWAYS, stay on topic! LOL!

LessThanAmused

Rule #1 for budding community columnists'......DO NOT do pieces on things like Facebook which have already been done to death. Find something original, maybe somewhat personal and get the readers to see and hopefully share in the humor, pain, angst, beauty, terror, or rage that the topic generates in you, the writer. Strive to elicit some type of emotional response from the reader so that they can emphasize with your point of view and look forward to reading your next submission.

Other than the facebook part, that's pretty much exactly what my 8th grade creative writing insructor told me repeatedly.....

I'll spare you her rules #2,3,4 and 5. One rule at a time. :-)

Former Grandhavenite

The one thing you should never post on Facebook under any circumstances is anything at all. There are tons of self-appointed internet detectives/stalkers out there with an ax to grind, and I don't want to make their jobs any easier. Pretty much anyone with an online presence has posted something that doesn't reflect well on them at one time or another, and even if not it's easy to make someone look bad with the classic tactic of presenting words or actions out of context. I've heard too many horror stories of people revealing negative information to spouses, employers, etc because the target had dared to post something they didn't like.

It's also important to keep in mind that stuff you post is out there forever, and people can change over time. I used to be a total prick as many folks are during their teenage years, but fortunately back then everything wasn't being preserved for all eternity. Society also changes over time, and chances are that your Facebook posts will be studied by historians and your own descendants hundreds of years from now, and if you become a high profile public figure at some point during your life people will scrutinize every detail. For example, let me tell you about this terrible racist who often used the term 'negro', and didn't believe that black people or women should be allowed to vote or own property according to some of his own writings. His name was Abraham Lincoln.

Don't even get me started on the Facebook company itself. In Mark Zuckerberg's own words his customers are "dumb f#cks" for trusting him, and I completely agree with his assessment.

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