KAMISCHKE: Stunning answers from a former liberal

One day a year, on the first of April, liberals lay down their onerous burdens of social concerns and become conservatives.
Apr 4, 2014

We carry these burdens in small, brightly colored backpacks filled with liberal convictions: tax the rich, support the ACLU, ban guns, etc.

As kids, our mothers helped us shoulder these packs, told us to be good, kissed our pates and sent us to school.

Years later, sometime after that first corporate job, many forget their roots and start leaving their backpacks at airports and soccer games, and begin the metamorphosis to conservatism. For centuries, the Fraternal Order of Custodians, during a secret ceremony, stacked the backpacks on ice floes, where ocean currents deposited them above Canada. This has been so pervasive that the Northwest Passage has been ice-bound since 1564.

Conservatives, recognizing that with fewer liberals the right-wing radio and TV industry would collapse, formulated a controversial strategy to stem the conversion by beginning a campaign of unintelligent statements. Todd Akins (R-Mo.) started by saying, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” followed by Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) saying that Paul Revere was “he who warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms.” Many elected Texas officials eagerly contributed.

The good news is, the Arctic Ocean is opening up, but I digress.

I had a stack of unanswered letters from conservatives — so, on Tuesday, backpack off and free of all social tendencies, I felt compelled to answer them. The following are some of those interchanges:

Mary Corker of Centertown asked, “Is President Obama a citizen?”

RK: As conservatives, we feel entitled to make fun of Mr. Obama. Along with passing 56 House bills to rescind statehood for Hawaii, we hired Donald Trump to badger the president; and he’s been masterful. At the club, we laughed so hard tears streamed down our cheeks because, no matter how many valid, legal documents Obama produced, Donald kept saying it wasn’t enough. Heck, John Banner can’t even find his birth certificate.

John Bachmann of Grand Haven Township asked, “I believe evolution is quackery, so why do fetuses temporarily develop gills?”

RK: John, when you’re living in a sack full of embryonic fluid, gills are essential. Later, as the fluid level goes down, an air pocket develops and the fetus starts to porpoise. The kicking necessary to breach the surface is good for muscle development, and it keeps the mother from oversleeping. Gills eventually become earlobes and a good place to hang leftover Christmas ornaments.

Mark Cruz of Columbus Street wrote, “I’m a biblical literalist and I’m curious where all the water from the Flood went?”

RK: Mark, Earth is not solid like some think. If it was, we could never float in space; we’d fall out of orbit faster than a ton of rocks. Like a giant blue beach ball, Earth is hollow, a fact sewage systems have used for thousands of years. Virtually every septic tank in the world drains into one of the many natural holes in the Earth’s crust. The flood started when the whole system backed up and overflowed, an event for which Noah, a zoologist and amateur woodworker, was uniquely positioned to address. Eventually, the clog dislodged and the “water” returned. The rain actually occurred after the flood, providing a much needed 40-day final rinse.

Grand Haven summer resident Susan McConnell wrote, “I don’t believe in climate change. Am I right?”

RK: Yes and no, Susan. I’ll bet you read “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” as a teenager. Studies have shown that readers of this classic are 10 times more likely to think that sincere hope can change the laws of physics. This was reinforced when Peter Pan demonstrated that we could revive Tinker Bell by thinking good thoughts. Our annual CPAC convention investigates and repeals any scientific laws that conflict with our political platform. This year, gravity was put on three years probation. By denying climate change, Susan, you are literally saving the planet from climate change. Thank you for your service.

Cal Ryan of Spring Lake asks, “Is American Exceptionalism diminishing?”

RK: Not in our lifetime, Cal. By law, we only hire U.S. citizens to judge this contest. An important part of the 1948 Marshall Plan, its official name was the Post War Reconstruction Exceptionalism Award; but, because Europe was just rubble, we gave the prize to ourselves. After a decade of winning, we renamed it and now display a well-guarded replica in the Capitol Rotunda. Some Northern European countries think their low crime, poverty and unemployment and their high levels of health care, education and happiness earns them a spot on the nomination slate. By taking exception, we demonstrate what world-class exceptionalism really means.

My thanks to all those who wrote.

(Editor’s note: Mr. Kamischke’s column is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, April Fool’s Day satire.)

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